I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
