It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
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