i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
