On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I am one with the molecules
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
