your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
