o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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