i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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