I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
