I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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