Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.