So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.