My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We got so high we made milksteak
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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