i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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