I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
