It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
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I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
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Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize