his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Drunk is a universal language darling
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
