I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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