you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
