Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
