I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
