She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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