I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
