I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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