happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
