i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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