I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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