I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
