anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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