i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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