Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
