There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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