If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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