Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
