Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
