im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
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i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
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All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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