I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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