I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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