Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
