Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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