I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
