Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just pee around me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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