How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
