see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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