He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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