people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Im part way to drunk.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
