Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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