Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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