I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
