My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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