Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
