you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
So. Much. Porn.
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