At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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