she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
