well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
