dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
