I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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