I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
