I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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