how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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