hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
