I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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